The Stockdale Paradox

A friend of mine sent me a few pages from a book he was reading which was written by an Officer in the US Military who overcame diversity whilst being held captive for 8 years during the Vietnam war by applying this seemingly simple formula:-
"You must retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties.
AND at the same time…
"You must confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be."
I found this to be a very interesting statement and i wondered how i could apply that to my current situation.  He also noted that it was the people that were optimistic about the future that were the ones that died.  Now that seems like a funny thing to say but he explains this by saying that those that were optimistic were not facing the brutal facts about their situation so therefore were burying their heads in the sand so when things didn't turn out like they had hoped they couldn't cope and they died.  But he says he confronted the extent of his situation head on knowing that he was likely to not get out of there alive and see his wife and children again but made a choice to not get down about it, but to accept the truth and carry on hoping for the best.  Well thats how i interperated what he was trying to say...if you google it you can make your own mind up about it.  Anyway, i have been reading over and over again the statement above and wondering how to apply that to myself.
Its hard to accept a cancer diagnosis...some days i'm more accepting than others.  Most of the time i still can't believe that its actually true and i feel that this is all a big joke...strange...maybe i haven't accepted it yet.  I wonder how long that will take?
I had a terrible day last week on Wednesday...it was just one of those days that i felt overwhelmed by what to do going forward with regards to helping stop reoccurence.  I just feel like i want to be one up on all the other cancer patients out there and i feel like i want to be the one that has found a cure and am one step ahead of the others...but i soon realise that i'm sure that everyone else has gone through what i'm going through thinking that there must be an answer somewhere but then realise its just not that easy and thats why when people here the big 'C' word there minds fill with dread and they feel like they want to hide and look down on the floor and not face what they have just heard.  I guess people do that because they know there is no cure as such...no magic pill to take to make it go away...its far more complex than that.
Anyway, i've back pedaled again on the CTC blood test.  I just don't have the emotional capacity for someone to tell me that the chemo hasn't worked and that it was all for nothing.  So i'm taking a break and may do the test next year towards the end of the year.  It seems that the process of detecting bad cells with the CTC blood test is tried true and tested, but the thought that they can tell you what drugs will be most effective in getting rid of the bad cells has more refining to be done and needs improvement.  I'd be more exciting about things if that process was proven, but its not so the only thing i can really rely on at the moment with taking the CTC test is the fact that it can tell me whether or not the chemo has been effective or not....i'm just not ready for news just yet.  It seems that the jury is out on what to do with the results once we get them i.e. do they medicate even more and if so would it really be more effective than what they have already given me.  They have given me the best medication there is for the type of cancer there is...end of story i guess...and if that doesn't work then it doesn't work...?

I sometimes sit down and wonder why i'm scared of dying.  Is it because i don't want my loved ones to be sad, is it because i don't want my kids to grow up without a mother or is it fear of missing out on life....or is it something else like i'd feel that i hadnt given my life the best shot that i could have and i'd still have a lot of things i'd like to do and perhaps i wouldn't have enough time to do them?  I think it may be a combination of ALL of the above things...so then i think well what things above could i improve on so that if i did ever get the cancer back again i could eliminate that one dissappointment and perhaps die in peace?....i'm thinking 'living a life i love'...or trying to do my best to get close to being like that.  I read somewhere once about a survey some students did on the dying and what their regrets were in life and one of the top things that came through was that they regretted living their life the way others thought it should be lived.  Since my diagnosis I have often asked myself that question 'am i living a life that others want me to live i.e. just to keep others happy?'.  I guess in some ways i do...don't a lot of people?  I guess a lot of people won't admit it though.  I'm a 'people pleaser'...thats just the way i am so its hard not to live a life to keep others happy.  Its silly really when i write it down on paper.  But i know thats something i need to work on i.e. make sure i'm          fulfilling my own dreams and needs to ensure that i'm satisfied...not just satisfying others needs.  So i'm working on a 'bucket list' mainly so i have some things to work towards and also to make myself more aware of what it is that "I" like and enjoy.  What else can i do about my fears of dying...i can do my best that i'll look after myself to be sure that i'm here for my family i guess.  With regards to fear of missing out...well i guess there is not much i can do about that.  What else...my kids will grow up without a mother...my husband won't have a wife (well i guess i could be replaced) but my folks won't have a daughter any longer...not much i can do about that either...but i guess i could do my very best to try and make sure i live a healthy life to minimise reoccurence i guess?  That would be my strategy to make sure i'm here for my loved ones.