Lovers w'end

So we have just come back from a lovely w'end in Matakana which is an hour north of Auckland.  We flew into Auckland on Friday afternoon and borrowed Nick's sister's car to drive an hour north to Matakana to stay at a lodge called Sandpiper Lodge.  The Lodge was supposed to be a 5 star luxury lodge, but i thought it was more 4 star.  It needs a bit of updating, fixtures and fittings in the bathroom are a bit dated, a bit of chipped paint here and there and then swimming pool was a little green...you wouldnt expect that at a 5 star lodge would you?  But i'm not complaining too much...the main thing was that it was good to get out of Christchurch for two nights and have two nights away just the two of us whilst Nick's mum Di looked after the kids at home.
The area is pristine, lots of reserves to do walks in, marine reserves to snorkel in and places to buy fresh produce etc.  There were a lot of little stalls set up on the side of the road selling fresh strawberries or avos etc which were 'unmanned'.  There was just a sign up telling you how much things cost and you just had to leave your money there and take what you wanted...all based on trust.  My first thought was 'that would never work in SA!'.
We had a lovely meal at MMK (Matakana Market Kitchen) on Saturday night and i was pleased that they catered for people like me who are trying to avoid dairy...i had a lovely quinoa salad with roasted veggies which was right up my ally.
Nick went for a snorkel at Goat Island on Saturday which i had my much needed lunchtime nap on the beach...very pleasant :-)
But of course all good things come to an end and i'm back at work today and thinking about that black box that arrived on Friday morning.  Its the medical box which has come from the genostics company so they can take some blood off me to be sent away to Greece then Australia for testing.  Every time i look at the box i feel a bit ill.  I feel like my fate lies in the box.  The genositcs company will test to see if there are any CTC cells (circulating tumour cells) still circulating in my blood and will test to see what medicines may help to eradicate those roque cells from my body.  I think the best result i can get from the test would be that i'm in remission...i don't think i can expect there to be zero CTC cells circulating since the oncologist told me that the chemo is only 30% effective at the very highest.  But i do like to live in a dream world dreaming that there are no cancer cells left in my body...so i feel this test is going to bring me back down to earth.  But i find in cases like these i need to look at the positives in this and that is that if they do find bad cells that they can recommend to me what would be the best potion to get rid of those cells which is of course very specific to me and my cancer.  So thats gotta be good and i feel like i'm one step ahead of others that have cancer and don't take this test.  Of course the cost of the test makes me feel ill too...BUT...who can put a price on health?  If the cancer ever came back i'd pay $1mill to get rid of it if it was guaranteed...life is not worth living if u don't have your health right?  Anyway, the next step is to have the blood taken by my doctor and then arrange to get the package couriered to Greece.  My appt with the doc is next week Thursday...i made it next week so that i could get my head around this all.

On a lighter note i came across a health drink at the Farmers Market in Matakana over the w'end called 'Kombucha'.  Its a effervescent fermented tea drink!  Sounds disgusting but actually tasts quite pleasant.  Whats interesting is that it comes with a list as long as your arm of health benefits.  I have googled it and there are a few sites telling you how you can make it.  I've got a bottle at home which i'm going to trial and if i like it i may make a few batches of my own.

Background picture

I'm getting to know how to customise my blog...hence the red heading and new background picture!  I was drawn to the background picture because of the fresh vegetables photographed which i eat so much of since my diagnosis.  I believe its a very important part of my diet going forward to help decrease the chances of recurrence.  I have read about ten books since being diagnosed which is pretty good for me since i used to read one book every two years on average.  I believe that knowledge is power and with a cancer diagnosis you cling onto any small bit of power/control that you can get as you feel that everything about your health has spun out of control. 

I will talk in my next blog about why i feel that our food choices are so important in achieving optimal health.

This is also my first blog with paragraphs...woohoo!

I'm sitting here looking out of the window on the 6th flr of my office window with the sun streaming through the window.  Most of what i can see is cranes bringing buildings down which is ongoing work after the earthquake we had 18mnths ago.  When i wasn't working i tended to forget that we had had an earthquake as there is not much damage in the suburb that we live in and there is no need to come into the city centre but now that i'm back at work i'm at least reminded twice a week that we had an earthquake and we have no city!  Its amazing how we all adapt...a lot of businesses have moved out to the suburbs and little pockets of restaurants and shops have popped up on the fringes of Christchurch ready to fill the needs of eager shoppers and the hungry public.  I sit here and wonder how long it will take for Christchurch to get back to normal...i guess it will never be what it was before, instead there will be a new normal which will slowly appear over the next 5 to 10 years if we are willing to hang around that long.  I do believe that once everything has been completed that we will have a great city once again, vibrant and up to speed with the rest of the world, that is exciting to think about but we need to be patient if we want to see the results.  As Christchurch will never be 'normal' again so will my life never be 'normal' again..i will have a new 'normal' whatever that may be.  I wonder what changes are going to take place going fwd and how the diagnosis will change my life in the future.  Its hard to know at the moment since i'm still going through treatment and i'm too tired to put my energy into anything else but getting better and looking after my family.  Next year i really want to get super fit and healthy again...and the year after that i'll concentrate on making changes in my life i.e. doing what i really want to do work wise (personal training and nutrition) and making up a 'bucket list'.
I still feel a bit strange at work...sometimes i can sit at my computer and look at things that used to take me a minute to work out and i'll stare at it for ten minutes and be confused at to what i should do.  Its really unnerving and knocks my confidence.  I know it has been proven that chemo affects your cognitive ability...so i'm wondering if it has in fact made me a bit 'stupid' and whether or not it will always be that way.  I have found that i have forgotten peoples names in particular.  Not people that i know well but people that i see maybe once every few months or have met once or twice in my life and i bump into them and i can't place them or remember their name and they know my name straight away.  I have never been good with names but i'm sure i used to be better than this!  I find myself triple checking my work calculations and then still not being 100% certain that i'm doing the right thing.  I guess its all a confidence thing...you sort of get in in your head that u have lost your confidence and the more you tell yourself that the more you feel like that...so its a downward spiral which i'm continually trying to get out of these past few months.  Its strange...i just feel unsure of myself all the time...has something happened in my brain from the drugs or is it partly shock from the diagnosis and partly the fact that i've basically been in my own little world since chemo started trying to get through each day without being too tired or too negative or too nauseous and now that i'm going back to a more normal life again i'm just taking time to adjust.  I don't think the fact that i'm pretty hard on myself most of the time helps with my healing process but thats just the way that i am.  I'm not sure why i'm like that since i dont remember my parents being particularly hard on me...maybe my dad was but how do i know what the normal is.  Sometimes i wish i could let myself be a bit more carefree and let myself bunk work when i'm not sick or let myself put on weight without any worries or let myself have a sleep in without feeling guilty that i should be up playing with the kids.  I guess its hard to change the way that we are...you have to make a concerted effort if you do want to change.
I think in my next blog i may progress to paragraphs :-)  I've just been typing as i think.

So its Sunday evening and i'm starting to think about work tomorrow...boo!  No not really...i'm actually enjoying the normality of work at the moment...who would have thought eh?
Its a lovely evening outside...feels like summer...the clocks went fwd a few weeks ago so we got  more daylight in the evening...just love that!
We had a good morning with the kids down at Christchurch RFC...that is Nick's rugby club.  Westpac put on a training day for the kids...a few of the All Blacks came down and helped out and signed t-shirts and they put on a feed for the kids and there was a face painter and a clown doing balloons etc...was fun!  I even got my pic with Ritchie McCaw!...i got into quite a state and was all flushed in the face and nervous when i went to go sit next to him...i know he is famous and all but its not like a follow him greatly and dream about him every day etc etc so thought i'd be pretty cool sitting next to him but i must say i was rather flustered!  Sophie got Sophie Pascoe to sign a poster for her..she is a para-olympic gold medalist in case you didn't know :-)
I took the kids swimming in the arvo at Graham Condon.  There were two young girls there that both had shaved heads...i walked past them and they asked me if i shaved my head for someone that i know has cancer...so i said no that i had cancer an they immediately looked sympathetically at me.  Turns out that they are sisters and one of the sisters has lymphoma cancer and is starting her chemo next week.  They also said 'cancer is everywhere' which i thought was an interesting comment.  They obviously know  a lot of people that have or have had cancer.  its true though, i do feel that its all around us even more so than ever...of course i'm more intuned with it cause i have it but something is going on in this modern day in age which is causing us to get cancer younger and younger.  I strongly believe that its got a lot to do with what we are eating and also all the pollutants/chemicals we are ingesting that our compromised immune systems are not coping with.  I start to wonder how much cancer will be around when my kids have their kids...i shudder to think.  One of the girls at the pool said to me that her friend died a few weeks ago from breast   cancer at  the age of 32...i wondered why she told me that after i had just told her i had breast cancer...people can say silly things sometimes.  She also said it infront of my daughter Sophie which was VERY silly...luckily she didn't seem to react which was lucky.  Kids of course don't understand the severity of cancer...Sophie uses the word like any other word in her vocabulary.  Like the other day when i was at the check out at the grocery store and out of no where she says to the lady at the till "my mum has breast cancer" with a big smile on her face.  I guess its good that she doesn't understand the severity of it all.  Then tonight when we were driving home and we had ordered in pizzas which were sitting on Sophie's lap and Sophie said that she wrote on the boxes who's pizza was who's and she said she wrote 'mum' on my pizza box and cancer next to my name.  Of course she didn't do it to be mean but thats just naturally what she obviously does.  She just uses the word flipantly which i guess is good.
I slept in until 10:30 this morning...i was just feeling so exhausted.  I feel better for it this afternoon though.  I'm wondering how i'm going to go at work tomorrow...this will be the first week at work when i'm feeling that the fatigue is affecting me.  Anyway...here's to a good week ahead no matter what :-)
PS: Forgot to mention that i had a surprise when i went to the toilet today...got my period!  First time in 6mnths!  Today is about 7wks since chemo ended...so my cycle seems to be coming back to normal already.  I'm sure i read somewhere a while ago that the quicker your period comes back after chemo the less effective chemo has been?  Yeah its good to know your system is starting to work properly again but if what i think i read is true then i'm not so happy to get my period so soon again.  I'm going to confirm with the oncologist when i see him on Tuesday and set the record straight.

Phew i'm feeling tired today...i wonder if its the radiation or the swim i did yesterday in the local pool where i did 1km...the furthest i've done in a very long time.  Its probably a combination of radiation AND the long swim that has made me feel a it like this.  Feel slightly nauseated too...but then i wonder if its my imagination and i try to get rid of the thought.  Nasuea is not a side effect of radiation so it can't be the radiation.
I've been reading a few posts by girls that have finished their radiation and how their skin has broken down a week AFTER radiation...strange...but i guess it is cumulative as the oncologist told me.  I just secretly hope that i might be one of the lucky ones that goes red and my skin doesn't break down....fingers crossed.  Most of them said they had to stop wearing a bra for a while...don't want to do that...hate not wearing a bra!  I took Sophie and her school friend Amelia to Northlands Mall today to watch Madagascar in 3D....they loved it and so did i...nice to sit back and pretend to be a child again.  We made sushi for dinner, i tried making it with brown rice this time round which is healthier...i was quite pleased at how it turned out...i might do brown rice for me going forward.
Today was the annual street appeal for breast cancer donations.  Lots of people collecting money for the foundation...i wasn't sure how i was feeling...still didn't feel like i was one of breast cancers victims...well i'm not a victim as in dead but it still got me in its clutches and gave me a good shaking...but i'll soon be out of its clutches won't i!  I don't mind all the cutesie pink all around us for breast cancer but some of my breast cancer support group mates hate the cute pink stuff and say it doesn't do the disease justice and it gives the impression that breast cancer is all glam and pink when back at the ranch its bloody awful...i don't really care...if its going to help raise money and awareness then why not?
I've got this booked called 'Better breast health' which my Integrated GP gave to me when last i saw her.  Its a great book as it has worksheets in it and it tells u how suseptible to breast cancer you are given your exposure to the environment, foods, genes etc etc.  It just practical tips to help reduce your chances of breast cancer too.  I was thinking i may get a copy of that book for a couple of my best girlfriends but then wondered if that was a good idea or not.  Its not like i want to shove it in their faces but i feel that i know so much about it and if i knew this much before i got breast cancer there would have been a few things that i would have change in my life...and if i give them the book there may be things that they change in their lives...even if they  just take one or two tips from the book it goes a long way.  People have to be ready to receive tips and advice and be open to it...i know if i hadnt had breast cancer and a friend gave me a book on it it would probably be at the bottom of my reading pile...pity that we only take action sometimes when its too late...or almost too late.  Thats just life i guess.  I can feel an early night coming on.

Every year in spring time (september) we have family photos taken in the daffodils in Hagley Park.  The park looks stunning once all of the daffs and blue bells are out and we just love sitting right in the middle of them having our photos taken.  This year i looked quite different of course :-)

Me and my kids on my wedding day...love u both xx

This is one of my favourite photos...taken at Lake Wanaka (one of our favourite spots).  My daughter Sophie and my son Loki at the lake edge having a 'moment' together at sunset.

We had a big head shaving day about 2wks before i started chemo at our house.  It was called 'The Brave Shave for Sam Ward'...there were about 20 of use that all got our heads shaved together...ALL FOR ME...to show their support to ME and raise some money along the way...i still can't get my head around it...we raised $60,000 for the New Zealand Breast Cancer Foundation...$60,000...that is not a typo!!!!  WOW!!!  All of my work colleagues shaved their heads...ALL of them...can u believe it.  That included 2 girls.  I must say...we are a good looking bunch of people aren't we?!  All these people care enough about me to shed their loks...its just ubelievable.  I am well loved.

This is me on the 18th March 2012...18 days after i got married having my first chemo session.  What a day.  I sit here staring at this pic thinking 'oh my word, i was SUCH a brave girl'.  I get all teary when i look at the pic...strange...i almost feel like its not me...i didn't even shed a tear on the day...i just got on with it.  I didn't know what to expect.  I had so many people thinking about me and praying for me...i was well protected and well supported...they were all just carrying me...thats why i think i was able to be so brave.  My dad gave me the bear thats in my lap...he is called 'better bear'...he came all the way from South Africa.  He came with me to every chemo session.  'better bear' made some friends as chemo went on which were other soft toys that friends had sent me from overseas...all to keep me company whilst having chemo...i guess the bears were replacing the friends that wished could be sitting there with me.  I didn't feel very sick on my first chemo...my head felt a bit light towards the end of the chemo, but otherwise i felt not too bad.

Me and my hubby...Nick Martin...7mths ago just after we got married in the library at Braemar Lodge in Hanmer Springs.  What a day!  This was only 28 days after i had been diagnosed with Stage 11 breast cancer.  What a nasty shock that was 4wks before i was finally getting married...we had been engaged for 5 years by the time we finally got round to getting married.  I still sit back and day dream about our wedding day...it was so awesome, i just wish that i could have enjoyed it even more.  My heart was heavy thinking about my up and coming chemo which started 18 days after we got married.  I was just 12 days out of surgery on our wedding day...i was still feeling a bit sore and vunerable post op.  But i think in the end i hel up pretty well and still managed to enjoy myself quite a bit.  I want to renew our vows in 10 years time...have another big bash...why not eh?!

So i've decided to write a blog!  Bit nervous about this...have never written a blog before!  I'm not even sure if i want people to read it...haa, haa, i'm confused but i'm going with my gutt and JUST DOING IT!! Faaak...my portable keyboard has just run out of battery so I'm having to type this super slow on the ipad...I guess my first blog (if u can even call it that...I'm such a novice) is going to be a short one after all.
I've decided to write a blog for many reasons but the two main reasons are because I think it's a cool way to document ones life and secondly since I've been diagnosed with Stage 11 breast cancer on 31st Jan this year I find it very therapeutic to document how I'm feeling and get it all out on paper instead of it swirling in my head ALL the time.  I am also hoping that as I document my life and journey with cancer I may one day in years to come help others who have to embark on a cancer journey and that they may be able to draw hope and strength from my postings.  My only regret is that I didn't start this 8mnths ago when I was first diagnosed...but better late than never hey!!