Over the last week i have been so excited about coming across this Nutrition School in the States. Whether or not you believe in God or perhaps that the Universe attracts things to you instead...I believe that i came across this school which seems perfect for me and what i want to do in the future and that God lead me to it for a specific reason.
I have been pondering the last few weeks/months about how i'd like to turn my Cancer experience into a positive and how i could possibly thrive out of this experience. At first i thought i'd like to become a nutritionist/dietitian and then i thought i'd like to become a Personal Trainer in a gym and do some nutrition papers on the side to satisfy my interest with what we put into our bodies is what we get out. I also had a think about the fact that im done with all of my treatment...what is the next step to ensure that this disease never comes back again? Surely i can't completely go back to my old ways of thinking and doing...something HAS to change if i want to give myself the best possible chance of a complete healing. I thought about putting a support team in place i.e. a reputable nutritionist to go to every few months, a good acupuncturist, someone that could give me a good massage on a regular basis and a yoga class that i enjoy going to. I believe we all should have a good support team in place whether or not we are cronically ill or not should we wish to always be at our best....well why not....athletes have support teams in place to be at their best so why don't we as individuals who are living life have our own individualised support teams that ensure we are always performing at our best...after all...didnt most of our mothers always tell us 'life is never easy'...so why not build a network of people around you who knows their stuff to help and guide you through!
I have gathered from all the reading i have done that ultimate wellness doesn't just come from a pill or just from exercise or just from eating right...ultimate and overall wellness comes from having your mind, body and spirit all in fine tune and all in the same place. So me JUST becoming a nutritionist didn't quite sit right with me or me JUST becoming a Personal Trainer didn't sit right with me either. I then came across something that i've never heard of before a 'Health Coach'. Health Coaches seem to be becoming more and more popular according to statistics and especially in an age where everything is done hard and fast and most of us feel like we are burning the candle at both ends. It seems that a health coach is someone that you can go to for guidance on how to live a healthier, cleaner (becoming more aware of all the toxins we are ingesting on a daily basis), greener life and someone that will provide you with tools to keep yourself motivated in whatever you may be doing, help with your confidence and help you to unlock potential inside of you that you never thought you had. A Health Coach is also someone that is in the know about who are the best reputable chiros in town, where is a good health food shop, what are good books to read if i need some encouragement or need to do some soul searching etc etc. Healthy Coaches can even teach you how to cook healthy meals for your family that are not only good for you but tasty too. You get all these things out of a health coach in one place...how fantastic is that...we have done the research for you on what is best for you and what is going to keep you feeling and looking and functioning at your best. Anyway...so i have decided that i'd like to study to become a health coach. Not only to help myself after having cancer but i'm also passionate about getting the message out there that health is a 360 degree approach and not just a one sided approach as a lot of us think it is. We all too often look at people that complete marathons or complete iron mans and our first thought is 'wow they must be super healthy' but that is most of the time not true...yes they may be fit physically but what is their mental health like and what are their stress levels like. If we want to be truly healthy we need to look at a lot of different aspects of our health. I for one am a prime example to myself and to others of someone that thought they were healthy but in fact that was simply not the case. A month before i was diagnosed with aggressive Stage 2 breast cancer i had just run my first half marathon...why wouldn't i be the picture of health. But the sad truth was that wasn't healthy AT ALL...i was infact a ticking time bomb at the age of 33! And for me my cancer diagnosis was my biggest wake up call and made me ask the question 'How on earth could i have cancer when i'm so healthy' and i believe that i have the answer and the answer is 'i didn't approach my health from a 360 point of view, i approached it just from an exercise and a mediocre diet point of view'. I believe that so many people think of health in this way i.e. one sided. I am so excited about certifying myself as a health coach and starting to get my message out there. I can only imagine how the need for health coaches will become more and more prevalent as our lives get busier and busier and we get sicker and sicker in our modern day in age.
So i know i'm passionate about this health coach malarkey because i can't stop thinking about it, i'm so very very excited and i want to get started straight away but i'm cautious as im still very much healing from my own cancer and still pretty fragile physically and to an extent mentally too. I can't get to sleep at night cause thats all i can think about...i even got up at 5am this morning to listen to a webanar which was being streamed live in New York about the nutrition school and what they could do for me and my life coach aspirations.
I have also been coming across inspirational sayings on a daily basis that resonate with me and stick in my mind which is really helping me with my fear of not succeeding as a health coach and perhaps eradicating those demons inside of me that keep on saying 'you won't be any good, or you are not clever enough to be a health coach'. I always remember reading one day that nothing is ever accomplished without overcoming fear and i need to remind myself of that daily when i'm thinking about this big change in my life. Here are a few quotes/affirmations that I have been reading lately which i find inspiring:-
"you have the ability to do amazing things with your life"
"dont compare your beginnings with someone elses middle"
"we must be willing to let go of the life we've planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
"reminder: you have the ability to do amazing things with your life"
"whats considered impossible is just a consensus of outdated beliefs" - Bernie S. Siegel MD
Friday 30 November 2012
Tuesday 27 November 2012
How to stick to your health regime when you go away
This past w'end was one of those w'ends which you hang out for and dream of when you a busy mother of 2. I went away for 1 night with my very best friend from South Africa whom now lives in Australia. The weather was great too which helped us to enjoy ourselves. Before you become a mother you take for granted all the little things like being able to sit down for more than 5mins without being clambered upon, being able to lose yourself in your thoughts for a few minutes without being interrupted, being able to go to the toilet without being disturbed...things like that, you get my drift. So this w'end i could be totally selfish and just enjoy me being me which was wonderful and very nourishing for the soul.
With my new health regime that i'm on going away can sometimes be tricky. Your blender/juicer are not on hand and you have to be prepared and organised if you want to have healthy snacks at your finger tips and stick to your healthy way of eating (note i have not used the word 'diet' as i don't see my new way of eating as a 'diet' as such, more a lifestyle change and healthier way of eating). It did feel a wee bit daunting wondering what i'd take with me, but i've learnt that if you are organised and plan ahead then you will be fine. Its strange because some people may think 'why not give yourself the w'end off to eat what you like and then go back to your healthy eating once you get back'...but thats not the way i think anymore, that used to be the way i thought. In the very beginning i changed my diet because i was scared of the cancer coming back and believed that healthy eating habits would reduce my chances of recurrence...but i've changed my perspective and now look at my healthy eating habits as a way of nourishing someone that i love i.e. me! I love myself and that is why i chose food that is for the most only going to benefit my body not put it under strain.
So before i left i made myself an extra large green smoothie and poured it into a few glass jars (glass because plastic can leach chemicals especially if its not BPA free) to have during the day on my trip and the next day (they will last about maximum 24hrs before they oxidise). Smoothies make great snacks and they are packed with delicious ingredients. I packed that into a small chilly bag along with a few tomatoes, raw carrots, apples and a few home made muesli slices that i had made during the week. I also had a little tupperware of raw unsalted nuts which i took along in my handbag. I found that i was never hungry or in a position where i felt i didn't have anything to eat which was healthy.
When we got over to Akaroa we booked a restaurant for the evening. I mentioned to them that i was 'vegan' and did they have anything on their menu for vegans and they said that another customer who was dining at their restaurant that evening had phoned ahead to order a vegan meal and that i could have the other half of their meal...i was so stoked about that! You see...all it requires is a bit of planning and you can get what you want. I have begun to notice that there are a lot of food choices out there if you only look. When i first decided to change my diet i was really scared that i may be living on carrot sticks and lettuce leaves for the rest of my life but with a bit of research i have discovered this whole new exciting world of health foods that are not only good for you but tasty too. People in restaurants seem to be very understanding and accommodating and go out of their way to tailor a meal to your dietary requirements. I believe that as more and more people in this world take charge of their own health that there will be more demand for 'real food' and that 'real food' will be easier to access as time goes on...not that its too hard now, but it will become more of the norm.
My next challenge will be when we go away for two nights next w'end to a remote bach on the peninsula where there are no shops that are easily accessible. I will have to be sure i'm well prepared for that. I will let you know how i get on.
With my new health regime that i'm on going away can sometimes be tricky. Your blender/juicer are not on hand and you have to be prepared and organised if you want to have healthy snacks at your finger tips and stick to your healthy way of eating (note i have not used the word 'diet' as i don't see my new way of eating as a 'diet' as such, more a lifestyle change and healthier way of eating). It did feel a wee bit daunting wondering what i'd take with me, but i've learnt that if you are organised and plan ahead then you will be fine. Its strange because some people may think 'why not give yourself the w'end off to eat what you like and then go back to your healthy eating once you get back'...but thats not the way i think anymore, that used to be the way i thought. In the very beginning i changed my diet because i was scared of the cancer coming back and believed that healthy eating habits would reduce my chances of recurrence...but i've changed my perspective and now look at my healthy eating habits as a way of nourishing someone that i love i.e. me! I love myself and that is why i chose food that is for the most only going to benefit my body not put it under strain.
So before i left i made myself an extra large green smoothie and poured it into a few glass jars (glass because plastic can leach chemicals especially if its not BPA free) to have during the day on my trip and the next day (they will last about maximum 24hrs before they oxidise). Smoothies make great snacks and they are packed with delicious ingredients. I packed that into a small chilly bag along with a few tomatoes, raw carrots, apples and a few home made muesli slices that i had made during the week. I also had a little tupperware of raw unsalted nuts which i took along in my handbag. I found that i was never hungry or in a position where i felt i didn't have anything to eat which was healthy.
When we got over to Akaroa we booked a restaurant for the evening. I mentioned to them that i was 'vegan' and did they have anything on their menu for vegans and they said that another customer who was dining at their restaurant that evening had phoned ahead to order a vegan meal and that i could have the other half of their meal...i was so stoked about that! You see...all it requires is a bit of planning and you can get what you want. I have begun to notice that there are a lot of food choices out there if you only look. When i first decided to change my diet i was really scared that i may be living on carrot sticks and lettuce leaves for the rest of my life but with a bit of research i have discovered this whole new exciting world of health foods that are not only good for you but tasty too. People in restaurants seem to be very understanding and accommodating and go out of their way to tailor a meal to your dietary requirements. I believe that as more and more people in this world take charge of their own health that there will be more demand for 'real food' and that 'real food' will be easier to access as time goes on...not that its too hard now, but it will become more of the norm.
My next challenge will be when we go away for two nights next w'end to a remote bach on the peninsula where there are no shops that are easily accessible. I will have to be sure i'm well prepared for that. I will let you know how i get on.
Monday 19 November 2012
Green movember
It was the ancient Chinese that thousands of years ago stated “Food is medicine”. Today it is a modern science that has found out that one of most important parts of our living raw foods are called phytochemicals.
Only a super powerful blender can break open the cells to release the phytochemicals. Even prolonged chewing does not do it well.
Phytochemicals for cancer prevention are widely recommended by health consultants and researchers - most people just don't get enough raw foods, which is the best source of natural phytochemicals.
So there you have it! I tried out one of my green smoothies on my youngest child who is only two years old...this was the ultimate test on taste...he took a sip...screwed up his face and promptly said 'poo wee mama'....haa, haa!...i guess i have some work to do to get my kids to drink my green smoothies! They will happliy drink my berry smoothies which are filled with fruit which is of course good too. I actually have my daughter who is 5 drinking my vegge juices which i make myself with my juicer (this is where the juice is extracted from the vegetable) and these are very good for you too, so i can't complain...baby steps i hear myself saying.
The second thing i did with my blender was make a raw dessert which was a berry cheesecake! It was a cheesecake made with no dairy or sugar...yes you heard right...it was delicious! Once again...it had the ultimate test when i took it to a friend's bbq and left it on the table for people to have a piece of. By the end of the bbq there was only 3 slices left and everyone i talked to said they liked it a lot (i told them to tell the truth and i wouldn't be offended if they didn't like it). The cheesecake was based on ground up cashew nuts for the base instead of biscuits and the filling was berries and cacao butter,coconut oil, manuka honey etc etc...i can't remember everything that went into it but i what i can tell you is that it was raw and good for you and VERY yummie! So that is the first of many experiments with my Omni blender.
Since my diet is mainly plant based and raw i don't want to feel like i'm missing out on anything, so its my mission over the next few months/years to find the best possible recipes/restaurants/healthy food stores etc etc to make my new way of eating as easy as possible.
Thursday 15 November 2012
Its never too late to be what you might have been
Today was one of those days where i woke up and i was overcome with a feeling of excitement. I have those days sometimes for whatever reason...i'm not complaining...its better than waking up and feeling down! I literally feel like i am short of breath and feel like i have a lot of anticipation inside of me like something big is about to happen....something good not bad. So the rest of the day i try and work out why i'm feeling so excited...especially when my diagnosis is still something that i feel like i think about most of the day. So here is why i think i was feeling so excited today:
Another thought i have been mulling over is 'change your thoughts and you'll change your world'. I think if we all make a conserted effort to change the way we think we will all be much better off mentally and spiritually. If you actually pay attention to your thoughts during the day a lot of them can be very negative which is damaging to yourself. If you make a point of thinking only good things then good things will happen to you...most of the time :-)
- Perhaps my energy levels are already lifting 3 days out from my last radiation. You kind of get used to feeling fatigued all the time and convince yourself that its normal especially when you have been feeling so fatigued and not yourself for so long. Now that i am already starting to feel a bit better after such a short time excites me!;
- I am feeling so inspired by 'meeting' all these other cancer survivors on the internet (by looking at their blogs and their websites) and seeing what they have done to turn their cancer experience into a positive. I guess i'm starting to realise that there REALLY is life after cancer. People tell you that but you don't really believe it until you start to feel a bit more normal again. I have been feeling pretty average since March this year...thats a long time to not feel yourself;
- From all the reading that i'm doing on the internet i am getting so many ideas about what i'd like to do in the future. I have always gone through life not really knowing what i'm interested in or passionate about but now i think i know what i want to do with my life. Its just unfortunate that i had to have Cancer to find out. As i was driving in the car today i thought to myself...in 5 years time how would i like someone to introduce me if they were writing an article on me in a magazine...I think i would like them to to introduce me like this "Samantha Ward-Martin is 39 years old, living in New Zealand with her husband and two children. She is a health enthusiast, cancer survivor and Personal Trainer. She owns her own juice bar and enjoys playing the guitar" (yes that is on my bucket list to learn before i kick the bucket!). I might expand on that description over the years :-)
- There is so much information out there on yummie meals to prepare that are vegan! When i first decided to cut meat and dairy out of my diet i felt like i was going to live the rest of my life on carrot sticks but upon further investigation i have discovered that there is actually heaps of recipes out there that look great! Tonight i cooked a 'vegan mac cheese' for the family and they all loved it! Not a scrap left on their plates! Little did they know that i made the 'cheese sauce' with soy milk and brewers yeast! So i intend to slowly change my diet and get used to cooking meals that are predominantly using raw living food and no GMO foods. Everything that i put into my body should benefit it...there is no place for junk food in my system!
- I also think that i am starting to like myself more! I know that this is going to be an ongoing 'project' and something that i'll have to work on for the rest of my life, but since i've been saying to myself in the mirror each morning 'I love you Sam' and whilst i walk down the street and sometimes perhaps feel a bit self conscious i immediately say to myself 'i love and accept you Sam' and it works wonders! You may laugh but don't laugh until you try it!
I think that is about enough to be excited about at the moment! :-)
Another quote that i have written on the bathroom mirror has been 'everything is exactly as it should be'. I find great comfort in that quote or positive affirmation...whatever you'd like to call it. I'm a big worrier and of course being diagnosed with Cancer has only exasperated my worry. I also wonder about the what ifs and whys of life. But if i convince myself that everything is exactly how it should be i feel a sense of calm come over me. I can think of a few periods in my life where i desperately wanted something that i couldn't have or something happened that i didn't want to happen...but when i look back i think 'just aswell i didn't get 'that' or just as well that did happen!'..so i do truly believe that where we are at right now in our lives is supposed to be....we all just need some convincing from time to time.
I also went for my first yoga class today which i was excited about. I think yoga and pilates is going to play a big role in my on going good health and will be a mental and spiritual healer too. I enjoyed my first class and look forward to the next.
Tuesday 13 November 2012
The first day of the rest of my life
Woohoo i have finished radiation! In fact i have survived an operation, chemo AND radiation...wow! And i don't feel too battered and bruised either! I jsut need to take a pill a day (Tamoxifen) for the next 5 years. Lets hope i am more vigilant in taking Tamoxifen than i was taking birth control!...woops! I feel positive about the future in so many ways. There are so many ideas floating around in my head at the moment about what i want to do in my future and how i want to go about it...all very exciting. I read a post on someone's blog the other day that said 'your life starts at the end of your comfort zone'...i thought about this for a while and thought it was a very interesting statement. I do believe that we truly do start living the lives we are meant to live once we intentionally make ourselves get out of our comfort zones and start to do things that make us feel uncomfortable. We are all creatures of habit and i have noticed that the older i get the more stuck in my ways i get and the more i tend to just sit in my comfort zone. This has been something that i've been thinking about a lot since going through my treatment and something i intend to change going forward. Its not easy i know but i believe i can do it.
This website that i came across a few days ago has really inspired me. This is the website www.thewellnesswarrior.com.au This lady Jess is everything i want to be and do in the future. She has taken her cancer diagnosis and changed it into a positive and has made it her lifes work to live a healthy, inspired, fufilled life whilst encouraging others to do the same. I find myself going onto her website daily for daily affirmations which i say to myself during the day and reading her recipes which i like to try out at home. I have also come across this website www.kriscarr.com This lady is living with multiple tumours but continues to inspire, encourage and give hope to others in the same position as her and even those people that are not sick and want to prevent illness rather than find a cure once they are already ill.
I have been reading a lot of blogs and have made mental notes in my head about using some of the things that they have on their blog in my blog.
I'm still getting used to my blog...i'm still working out how i want it to look and how i go about doing that. Its a work in progress but over the next few weeks/months/years it will slowly develop into what i am really wanting to do which is have a blog that anyone can come to for encouragement, inspiration, recipes, interviews, information on health etc etc. Much like Jess Ainscough's website 'The Wellness Warrior' above. I also want to use my blog as a record of how far i've come and how what i've changed in my life as well as use it to record watching my kids grow up and events in their lives that i'd like to remember and come back to reflect on.
I am now cancer free...i am a cancer survivor. I don't intend to wallow in pity any longer. I intend to use this experience for my greater good and for the greater good of those around me. I'm just busy working out exactly how i do that! I am lucky that i live in an age where at my finger tips i have access to more information than i could ever want. I want to use that to my advantage.
I have also realised that there is so much available 'foodwise' out there if you look for it. Nick (my husband) said to me a few days ago 'would i like a dairy & sugar free birthday cake' for my birthday next week? I laughed and i said yes, but wondered where we would get one from. Last night i wasn't really even looking for a cake online but with a couple of clicks i was on a website where you can order dairy and sugar free cakes online right here in Christchurch and have it delivered to your door! You may pull your nose up at dairy and sugar free cakes...BUT don't do that before you have tried it. They are truly divine and you would never know that they miss those elements...that's whats so great about them. There is almost always natural substitutes to any ingredient you use in baking or cooking which you know may be bad for your health. The ultimate taste test will be my children! I won't tell them that its a special type of cake and i'll see what they think of it. Its being delivered next week Tues on my 34th bday :-)
I'm in search of an inspiring picture and some words of wisdom to use as a banner for the top of my blog...the search continues...so that is why my blog is looking a bit 'bleh' at the moment.
In all of my reading i have done whether it be on the net or in books one thing comes up time and time again 'self acceptance' which should be the first step in your recovery. When i first was introduced to this concept i thought 'what....self acceptance...what do you mean...of course i accept myself' but upon deeper reflection and thought i realised that i in fact I don't accept myself most of the time and i believe that most people on this planet don't accept and believe in themselves either! Yes...thats a BIG statement...but i believe that its true. Of course i am making generalisations here, but i believe for the most this is true. How many times do i look in the mirror and think 'oh gosh, your too fat, your looking old, your skin is saggy, look at that bump there' or i am mentally reprimanding myself for things i might have done during the day which i perhaps shouldn't have done like slept for longer than i should have or shouted at one of my kids when perhaps i should have kept my cool or I have burnt the dinner in the oven or something like that. If you become aware of your thoughts you will realise that most of them are along the lines of negative thoughts and we put ourselves down and beat ourselves up for minor things we may or may not have done. So with that in mind i have intentionally been reading positive daily affirmations which i think about during the day which i hope will sink into my sub conscious. Your sub conscious has no personality...what i mean by that is...if you tell yourself you are feeling tired over and over again whether you feel tired or not you will start to feel tired because that is what you have told yourself. So we can use our sub conscious to help us live more positive fulfilling lives by telling ourselves that we are acceptable, that we are powerful, that we accept ourselves exactly the way we are and that we love ourselves. One exercise i'm doing at the moment is every morning when i wake up and look in the mirror instead of the usual thoughts of 'oh goodness, aren't i looking terrible or tired or puffy this morning' i say out loud 'i love you Sam'...i'm doing that for 30 days.
This website that i came across a few days ago has really inspired me. This is the website www.thewellnesswarrior.com.au This lady Jess is everything i want to be and do in the future. She has taken her cancer diagnosis and changed it into a positive and has made it her lifes work to live a healthy, inspired, fufilled life whilst encouraging others to do the same. I find myself going onto her website daily for daily affirmations which i say to myself during the day and reading her recipes which i like to try out at home. I have also come across this website www.kriscarr.com This lady is living with multiple tumours but continues to inspire, encourage and give hope to others in the same position as her and even those people that are not sick and want to prevent illness rather than find a cure once they are already ill.
I have been reading a lot of blogs and have made mental notes in my head about using some of the things that they have on their blog in my blog.
I'm still getting used to my blog...i'm still working out how i want it to look and how i go about doing that. Its a work in progress but over the next few weeks/months/years it will slowly develop into what i am really wanting to do which is have a blog that anyone can come to for encouragement, inspiration, recipes, interviews, information on health etc etc. Much like Jess Ainscough's website 'The Wellness Warrior' above. I also want to use my blog as a record of how far i've come and how what i've changed in my life as well as use it to record watching my kids grow up and events in their lives that i'd like to remember and come back to reflect on.
I am now cancer free...i am a cancer survivor. I don't intend to wallow in pity any longer. I intend to use this experience for my greater good and for the greater good of those around me. I'm just busy working out exactly how i do that! I am lucky that i live in an age where at my finger tips i have access to more information than i could ever want. I want to use that to my advantage.
I have also realised that there is so much available 'foodwise' out there if you look for it. Nick (my husband) said to me a few days ago 'would i like a dairy & sugar free birthday cake' for my birthday next week? I laughed and i said yes, but wondered where we would get one from. Last night i wasn't really even looking for a cake online but with a couple of clicks i was on a website where you can order dairy and sugar free cakes online right here in Christchurch and have it delivered to your door! You may pull your nose up at dairy and sugar free cakes...BUT don't do that before you have tried it. They are truly divine and you would never know that they miss those elements...that's whats so great about them. There is almost always natural substitutes to any ingredient you use in baking or cooking which you know may be bad for your health. The ultimate taste test will be my children! I won't tell them that its a special type of cake and i'll see what they think of it. Its being delivered next week Tues on my 34th bday :-)
I'm in search of an inspiring picture and some words of wisdom to use as a banner for the top of my blog...the search continues...so that is why my blog is looking a bit 'bleh' at the moment.
In all of my reading i have done whether it be on the net or in books one thing comes up time and time again 'self acceptance' which should be the first step in your recovery. When i first was introduced to this concept i thought 'what....self acceptance...what do you mean...of course i accept myself' but upon deeper reflection and thought i realised that i in fact I don't accept myself most of the time and i believe that most people on this planet don't accept and believe in themselves either! Yes...thats a BIG statement...but i believe that its true. Of course i am making generalisations here, but i believe for the most this is true. How many times do i look in the mirror and think 'oh gosh, your too fat, your looking old, your skin is saggy, look at that bump there' or i am mentally reprimanding myself for things i might have done during the day which i perhaps shouldn't have done like slept for longer than i should have or shouted at one of my kids when perhaps i should have kept my cool or I have burnt the dinner in the oven or something like that. If you become aware of your thoughts you will realise that most of them are along the lines of negative thoughts and we put ourselves down and beat ourselves up for minor things we may or may not have done. So with that in mind i have intentionally been reading positive daily affirmations which i think about during the day which i hope will sink into my sub conscious. Your sub conscious has no personality...what i mean by that is...if you tell yourself you are feeling tired over and over again whether you feel tired or not you will start to feel tired because that is what you have told yourself. So we can use our sub conscious to help us live more positive fulfilling lives by telling ourselves that we are acceptable, that we are powerful, that we accept ourselves exactly the way we are and that we love ourselves. One exercise i'm doing at the moment is every morning when i wake up and look in the mirror instead of the usual thoughts of 'oh goodness, aren't i looking terrible or tired or puffy this morning' i say out loud 'i love you Sam'...i'm doing that for 30 days.
Monday 5 November 2012
The Stockdale Paradox
A friend of mine sent me a few pages from a book he was reading which was written by an Officer in the US Military who overcame diversity whilst being held captive for 8 years during the Vietnam war by applying this seemingly simple formula:-
"You must retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties.
AND at the same time…
"You must confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be."
I found this to be a very interesting statement and i wondered how i could apply that to my current situation. He also noted that it was the people that were optimistic about the future that were the ones that died. Now that seems like a funny thing to say but he explains this by saying that those that were optimistic were not facing the brutal facts about their situation so therefore were burying their heads in the sand so when things didn't turn out like they had hoped they couldn't cope and they died. But he says he confronted the extent of his situation head on knowing that he was likely to not get out of there alive and see his wife and children again but made a choice to not get down about it, but to accept the truth and carry on hoping for the best. Well thats how i interperated what he was trying to say...if you google it you can make your own mind up about it. Anyway, i have been reading over and over again the statement above and wondering how to apply that to myself.
Its hard to accept a cancer diagnosis...some days i'm more accepting than others. Most of the time i still can't believe that its actually true and i feel that this is all a big joke...strange...maybe i haven't accepted it yet. I wonder how long that will take?
I had a terrible day last week on Wednesday...it was just one of those days that i felt overwhelmed by what to do going forward with regards to helping stop reoccurence. I just feel like i want to be one up on all the other cancer patients out there and i feel like i want to be the one that has found a cure and am one step ahead of the others...but i soon realise that i'm sure that everyone else has gone through what i'm going through thinking that there must be an answer somewhere but then realise its just not that easy and thats why when people here the big 'C' word there minds fill with dread and they feel like they want to hide and look down on the floor and not face what they have just heard. I guess people do that because they know there is no cure as such...no magic pill to take to make it go away...its far more complex than that.
Anyway, i've back pedaled again on the CTC blood test. I just don't have the emotional capacity for someone to tell me that the chemo hasn't worked and that it was all for nothing. So i'm taking a break and may do the test next year towards the end of the year. It seems that the process of detecting bad cells with the CTC blood test is tried true and tested, but the thought that they can tell you what drugs will be most effective in getting rid of the bad cells has more refining to be done and needs improvement. I'd be more exciting about things if that process was proven, but its not so the only thing i can really rely on at the moment with taking the CTC test is the fact that it can tell me whether or not the chemo has been effective or not....i'm just not ready for news just yet. It seems that the jury is out on what to do with the results once we get them i.e. do they medicate even more and if so would it really be more effective than what they have already given me. They have given me the best medication there is for the type of cancer there is...end of story i guess...and if that doesn't work then it doesn't work...?
I sometimes sit down and wonder why i'm scared of dying. Is it because i don't want my loved ones to be sad, is it because i don't want my kids to grow up without a mother or is it fear of missing out on life....or is it something else like i'd feel that i hadnt given my life the best shot that i could have and i'd still have a lot of things i'd like to do and perhaps i wouldn't have enough time to do them? I think it may be a combination of ALL of the above things...so then i think well what things above could i improve on so that if i did ever get the cancer back again i could eliminate that one dissappointment and perhaps die in peace?....i'm thinking 'living a life i love'...or trying to do my best to get close to being like that. I read somewhere once about a survey some students did on the dying and what their regrets were in life and one of the top things that came through was that they regretted living their life the way others thought it should be lived. Since my diagnosis I have often asked myself that question 'am i living a life that others want me to live i.e. just to keep others happy?'. I guess in some ways i do...don't a lot of people? I guess a lot of people won't admit it though. I'm a 'people pleaser'...thats just the way i am so its hard not to live a life to keep others happy. Its silly really when i write it down on paper. But i know thats something i need to work on i.e. make sure i'm fulfilling my own dreams and needs to ensure that i'm satisfied...not just satisfying others needs. So i'm working on a 'bucket list' mainly so i have some things to work towards and also to make myself more aware of what it is that "I" like and enjoy. What else can i do about my fears of dying...i can do my best that i'll look after myself to be sure that i'm here for my family i guess. With regards to fear of missing out...well i guess there is not much i can do about that. What else...my kids will grow up without a mother...my husband won't have a wife (well i guess i could be replaced) but my folks won't have a daughter any longer...not much i can do about that either...but i guess i could do my very best to try and make sure i live a healthy life to minimise reoccurence i guess? That would be my strategy to make sure i'm here for my loved ones.
"You must retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties.
AND at the same time…
"You must confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be."
I found this to be a very interesting statement and i wondered how i could apply that to my current situation. He also noted that it was the people that were optimistic about the future that were the ones that died. Now that seems like a funny thing to say but he explains this by saying that those that were optimistic were not facing the brutal facts about their situation so therefore were burying their heads in the sand so when things didn't turn out like they had hoped they couldn't cope and they died. But he says he confronted the extent of his situation head on knowing that he was likely to not get out of there alive and see his wife and children again but made a choice to not get down about it, but to accept the truth and carry on hoping for the best. Well thats how i interperated what he was trying to say...if you google it you can make your own mind up about it. Anyway, i have been reading over and over again the statement above and wondering how to apply that to myself.
Its hard to accept a cancer diagnosis...some days i'm more accepting than others. Most of the time i still can't believe that its actually true and i feel that this is all a big joke...strange...maybe i haven't accepted it yet. I wonder how long that will take?
I had a terrible day last week on Wednesday...it was just one of those days that i felt overwhelmed by what to do going forward with regards to helping stop reoccurence. I just feel like i want to be one up on all the other cancer patients out there and i feel like i want to be the one that has found a cure and am one step ahead of the others...but i soon realise that i'm sure that everyone else has gone through what i'm going through thinking that there must be an answer somewhere but then realise its just not that easy and thats why when people here the big 'C' word there minds fill with dread and they feel like they want to hide and look down on the floor and not face what they have just heard. I guess people do that because they know there is no cure as such...no magic pill to take to make it go away...its far more complex than that.
Anyway, i've back pedaled again on the CTC blood test. I just don't have the emotional capacity for someone to tell me that the chemo hasn't worked and that it was all for nothing. So i'm taking a break and may do the test next year towards the end of the year. It seems that the process of detecting bad cells with the CTC blood test is tried true and tested, but the thought that they can tell you what drugs will be most effective in getting rid of the bad cells has more refining to be done and needs improvement. I'd be more exciting about things if that process was proven, but its not so the only thing i can really rely on at the moment with taking the CTC test is the fact that it can tell me whether or not the chemo has been effective or not....i'm just not ready for news just yet. It seems that the jury is out on what to do with the results once we get them i.e. do they medicate even more and if so would it really be more effective than what they have already given me. They have given me the best medication there is for the type of cancer there is...end of story i guess...and if that doesn't work then it doesn't work...?
I sometimes sit down and wonder why i'm scared of dying. Is it because i don't want my loved ones to be sad, is it because i don't want my kids to grow up without a mother or is it fear of missing out on life....or is it something else like i'd feel that i hadnt given my life the best shot that i could have and i'd still have a lot of things i'd like to do and perhaps i wouldn't have enough time to do them? I think it may be a combination of ALL of the above things...so then i think well what things above could i improve on so that if i did ever get the cancer back again i could eliminate that one dissappointment and perhaps die in peace?....i'm thinking 'living a life i love'...or trying to do my best to get close to being like that. I read somewhere once about a survey some students did on the dying and what their regrets were in life and one of the top things that came through was that they regretted living their life the way others thought it should be lived. Since my diagnosis I have often asked myself that question 'am i living a life that others want me to live i.e. just to keep others happy?'. I guess in some ways i do...don't a lot of people? I guess a lot of people won't admit it though. I'm a 'people pleaser'...thats just the way i am so its hard not to live a life to keep others happy. Its silly really when i write it down on paper. But i know thats something i need to work on i.e. make sure i'm fulfilling my own dreams and needs to ensure that i'm satisfied...not just satisfying others needs. So i'm working on a 'bucket list' mainly so i have some things to work towards and also to make myself more aware of what it is that "I" like and enjoy. What else can i do about my fears of dying...i can do my best that i'll look after myself to be sure that i'm here for my family i guess. With regards to fear of missing out...well i guess there is not much i can do about that. What else...my kids will grow up without a mother...my husband won't have a wife (well i guess i could be replaced) but my folks won't have a daughter any longer...not much i can do about that either...but i guess i could do my very best to try and make sure i live a healthy life to minimise reoccurence i guess? That would be my strategy to make sure i'm here for my loved ones.
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