I'm sitting here looking out of the window on the 6th flr of my office window with the sun streaming through the window. Most of what i can see is cranes bringing buildings down which is ongoing work after the earthquake we had 18mnths ago. When i wasn't working i tended to forget that we had had an earthquake as there is not much damage in the suburb that we live in and there is no need to come into the city centre but now that i'm back at work i'm at least reminded twice a week that we had an earthquake and we have no city! Its amazing how we all adapt...a lot of businesses have moved out to the suburbs and little pockets of restaurants and shops have popped up on the fringes of Christchurch ready to fill the needs of eager shoppers and the hungry public. I sit here and wonder how long it will take for Christchurch to get back to normal...i guess it will never be what it was before, instead there will be a new normal which will slowly appear over the next 5 to 10 years if we are willing to hang around that long. I do believe that once everything has been completed that we will have a great city once again, vibrant and up to speed with the rest of the world, that is exciting to think about but we need to be patient if we want to see the results. As Christchurch will never be 'normal' again so will my life never be 'normal' again..i will have a new 'normal' whatever that may be. I wonder what changes are going to take place going fwd and how the diagnosis will change my life in the future. Its hard to know at the moment since i'm still going through treatment and i'm too tired to put my energy into anything else but getting better and looking after my family. Next year i really want to get super fit and healthy again...and the year after that i'll concentrate on making changes in my life i.e. doing what i really want to do work wise (personal training and nutrition) and making up a 'bucket list'.
I still feel a bit strange at work...sometimes i can sit at my computer and look at things that used to take me a minute to work out and i'll stare at it for ten minutes and be confused at to what i should do. Its really unnerving and knocks my confidence. I know it has been proven that chemo affects your cognitive ability...so i'm wondering if it has in fact made me a bit 'stupid' and whether or not it will always be that way. I have found that i have forgotten peoples names in particular. Not people that i know well but people that i see maybe once every few months or have met once or twice in my life and i bump into them and i can't place them or remember their name and they know my name straight away. I have never been good with names but i'm sure i used to be better than this! I find myself triple checking my work calculations and then still not being 100% certain that i'm doing the right thing. I guess its all a confidence thing...you sort of get in in your head that u have lost your confidence and the more you tell yourself that the more you feel like that...so its a downward spiral which i'm continually trying to get out of these past few months. Its strange...i just feel unsure of myself all the time...has something happened in my brain from the drugs or is it partly shock from the diagnosis and partly the fact that i've basically been in my own little world since chemo started trying to get through each day without being too tired or too negative or too nauseous and now that i'm going back to a more normal life again i'm just taking time to adjust. I don't think the fact that i'm pretty hard on myself most of the time helps with my healing process but thats just the way that i am. I'm not sure why i'm like that since i dont remember my parents being particularly hard on me...maybe my dad was but how do i know what the normal is. Sometimes i wish i could let myself be a bit more carefree and let myself bunk work when i'm not sick or let myself put on weight without any worries or let myself have a sleep in without feeling guilty that i should be up playing with the kids. I guess its hard to change the way that we are...you have to make a concerted effort if you do want to change.
I think in my next blog i may progress to paragraphs :-) I've just been typing as i think.
Let yourself be doll. Whatever that may be, let yourself feel that, and then once the emotion has gone, channel whatever energy you have left into telling yourself that you are the most amazing and beautiful person you know. Coz you are. Remember that the power of thought is creative, and you are the thinker. Whatever you think, will be. Think positive, and positive energy will flow... xxx
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